b u t t e r f a c e

Joe's story

2011-05-09T11:17:00.001-07:00

Here I am, I have not fallen off the blogosphere entirely. Just been a bit preoccupied making a baby is all. That's Joey up there at 5 weeks. I decided to share the story of how this little guy made his entry into the world, mostly because I know there are some crazy labor and delivery story junkies out there, and this is a good'un. Plus, I'd like to remember the details so I can torture him with it when he's a teenager and really pissing me off. So here we go.

Joey was late. Uncomfortably late. In the last month or so of my pregnancy, I developed PUPPS which was quickly spreading all over my body. Unfortunately the only cure for this annoying ailment is to have the baby, so each day I spent pregnant was agony. No amount of hydrocortisone cream or baking soda baths would relieve my misery. I wanted. the baby. out. When the itchysonofabitch pustules started showing up on the bottoms of my feet - yes, I was walking on the itchy-ass rash, I decided to ask about induction.

On the baby’s due date, I went in to my doctor’s office for a regular exam and found that I was still not dilated. I burst into tears, so they decided to check the placenta to make sure it was still healthy and supporting the baby...supposedly to make me feel better. So I was hooked up to a non-stress test so observe the goings on inside my lady bits. During strong contractions, the baby’s heartbeat was dipping. After some initial concern, I was sent home and told to come back the next day for a follow up test. The follow up was unexciting, but I still insisted on induction. At that point no one wanted to argue with me so it was scheduled for the following week.

As my husband and I were leaving the house for the hospital, we commented on how sad it was that we were having our first baby experience without any of the labor panic that most first time parents have. We totally jinxed ourselves.

That evening I was given the first induction drug and tried to go to sleep. The next morning they gave me the pitocin and hard labor began. Over the next several hours I got my epidural, my water broke, and we watched the contractions on the monitor for a while. The doctor pointed out that the baby’s heart rate was “flat”, meaning it didn’t have the deep accelerations that it should have. It seemed only moments later when they went into panic mode and insisted on an emergency cesarean section.

Having never had any kind of surgery before, I was freaking out just a tad. I knew going into it that a c-section was a possibility, but I was really hoping for a natural birth. They said that it was a matter of life or death for my baby, so there was really no choice. All visitors had to leave the room and my husband was given his scrubs to put on while the nurses prepped me for surgery.

Before being wheeled into the OR, they gave me an injection of an antibiotic. Almost immediately, my face was itching and my throat started closing up. They pumped me full of Benadryl to pull me out of anaphylactic shock. Unfortunately, everything is pretty hazy for me after that point.

I dimly recall being surrounded by nurses in a bright metal room, feeling very drowsy. I had my husband and an anesthesiologist at my head, with a screen separating my torso so we couldn’t watch the gore. Then suddenly I was vaguely aware that there was a baby in the room.

The baby was covered in merconum. They said he had pooped in the womb at least twice, because the stuff was yellow instead of black. He had swallowed some of it but fortunately had managed to block it from getting into his airways with his tongue. The flat heart rate was because he had the umbilical cord wrapped around his torso. He had been squeezing it during contractions, which was cutting off his oxygen.

About an hour later, I was back in my room with the baby and a few family members. They were taking pictures when suddenly my husband said the baby’s face was blue. I called the nurse and within moments we had a swarm of medical-type people on the baby, sucking mucus out of his airways. After that, he was taken down to the NICU for monitoring, where he was kept for the rest of the night. I was still feeling the effects of the drugs, so I was slipping in and out of consciousness. My husband got to run back and forth between the two of us all night, making sure we were both ok.

After the blue baby incident, little Joey was gun shy about swallowing anything, including milk. He had a helluva time eating and gaining weight. Over the next few days we spent at the hospital he went from a birth weight of 8 lbs 1 oz to 7 lbs 2 oz. That’s 11 percent of his body weight lost over the course of 3 days. He spent most of his time crying, since he was constantly hungry, but he refused to eat. Lactation specialists and various nurses tried to help, but nothing worked. We finally had to use a tube and syringe to get a bunch of formula in him, just to satisfy his belly for the night. After we were released we saw a lactation “guru” and she finally got him to nurse. He’s been a lot better since, but he’s still not a fan of having anything in his throat.

At six weeks old, he finally got back up to birth weight. I was given the green light to have him circumcised at an out-patient urologist. The initial procedure went well, but that evening his bandage fell off and he started bleeding. A lot. He filled a diaper with blood and we took him to the emergency room. The ER doctor turned out to be a poorly trained monkey. He called an equally incompetent on-call urologist, who told him to apply pressure with bandages. I asked about stitches or silver nitrate to close the wound, but I was told they don't do that on infants (ahem, bullshit, ahem). They put cotton gauze on Joey’s wang, which stuck to the wound and made a huge mess. It was impossible to get to the area with Neosporin without pulling off the gauze and starting the bleeding again. We went home feeling super pissed, with a very angry baby.

The next morning we went to our urologist’s office, who was stuck in surgery all day. His nurse took one look at the mess and sent us to a different emergency room, where we could wait for our urologist to come meet us once he got a break from surgery. He finally showed up and put in a mess of stitches. He said the skin had separated and exposed several blood vessels. That wang got sewn up tight, but it made me think twice about circumcision.

Despite all the drama, Joey is a healthy, happy, wiggly, crazy strong little baby. He has a kung fu grip and has been holding his head up since day one. Which is quite something, since his head is so frikkin huge.

He's also cute as a button.

Big yawn.

Grandma would be proud

2011-01-21T16:32:00.000-08:00

Well, my new knitting blog is up and running. I've posted two patterns so far, one for the freakin cool gauntlets you see below, and one for a pair of baby legwarmers I've pre-emptively made for my pending spawn. I'm working on a baby blanket right now; that should be coming next week-ish. Blankets are time consuming, bitches. Also apparently Brittany wants arm-length gauntlets, so I'll have to work something up for that needy whore too.

So the blog is http://knitpicky-knits.blogspot.com/, and I've already been linked on one of those web-wide pattern clearing house sites that I like to stalk on a near-daily basis for inspiration. Knitting Pattern Central has posted links to both patterns. Not that it takes great talent to get linked there, but I'm still stoked.

In more good news, Brittany has recently emerged from the giant rock she was living under for several months (she got a new computer). I'm sure as soon as she gets a break from work she'll return to her number one priority. I'm sure.

purrrrrrrrrrrrr

2010-12-30T13:04:00.000-08:00

Well, I said I wanted a pair for myself so I went ahead and made some. Screw it. I wanted.

These are made of 100% baby alpaca. The Andean trekker’s spawn, if you will. They’re so warm and soft it’s quite lovely. I went with a really pretty indigo blue color that doesn’t quite translate well on my shitty Fuji camera. The weight is very similar to worsted, but there’s a halo on it that adds some extra puff. I probably should have made these a stitch or two smaller than I did, but it’s not bad. Just roomy.

I opted not to make thumbs on this one. Just the holes. I did this because I didn’t want to take them off; I wanted to be able to just slip my thumb out and slide the gauntlet up my arm if I needed to do something like eat or pee. Laziness, but it works for me.

Anyway I pulled this pattern right out of my bottom. And because it’s a bit more complicated than stockinette stitch, I had to keep notes for the first time ever, so that I could make the right hand match the left hand. I’m not used to keeping notes. It felt weird.

So I wrote a pattern. My first ever, mostly because I hate patterns. But I see how they can come in handy now. I won’t post it here, because no one here really cares and I know it. And that’s okay. I’ve been thinking about that lately, and I have decided to start an actual knitting blog. That way I won’t bore you foodies, and I might tap into some kind of knitting underworld that I don’t yet know of. I know I like getting inspiration from other people’s creations, so why not give something back.

So far I’ve set up the bones of the blog but I haven’t posted my first pattern yet. I think my first will be these gauntlets because they are rad. I have been wearing them nearly nonstop for two days now. My next bit of selfish knitting will be a shorter pair that I can wear while knitting or hanging out at home. For some reason, full gauntlets feel too dressy when I’m braless in a pair of sweats.

If you want to follow me there, please do. I’ll be at knitpickyknits but I’ll still post here, mostly because I can’t abandon Brittany. She totally sucks at blogging.

Thumbs up

2010-12-23T16:00:00.000-08:00

My family recently nixed the typical Christmas gift-giving headache in favor of a white elephant exchange. Always a fun time, unless of course you’re the one to end up with the breast pump from 1986, or the Lionel Richie LP. Last year I went home with the home neck traction kit….literally, a neck brace that you attach to a ceiling or door frame and hope not to somehow disconnect your spine. Luckily for me, we also do “hostess gifts”, or more accurately, homemade or otherwise heartfelt little ditties for the women, while the menfolk satisfy themselves with whiskey and pay no attention. Personalized, hand-knitted items are perfect for this, so I'm set.

For my Mom this year, I opted to create a pair of gauntlets. I totally thought I had made up this concept (after years of cutting thumb-holes into my long-sleeved shirts) until I was looking online one day and found a plethora of patterns for these fingerless arm/wrist warmers. I very rarely use a pattern when I knit anyway, so I told them all to eff-off and made these up as I went along. …stealin' my idea.

These are knitted on the round, in a blend of 50% wool, 50% alpaca so they’re sure to be super warm and comfortable. My Mom is into the Rockabilly thing (whatever that is) so I chose red and black stripes with some cool vintage buttons that actually function. Yeah, I learned buttonholes. Yeah, I’m rather proud of myself.

I started with a straight-knitted black ribbing, then joined it together in the round leaving some overlap (for the button), and carried the red and black stockinette stitch up to the knuckles, taking a break to knit straight stockinette for a few lines to form the thumb hole, then joining it back up again. The very top is a repeat of the black ribbing. Then I picked up stitches on the thumb hole and knitted the short thumb on the round. The thumb is kinda shaped, with a few decreases thrown in there for comfort. Then I wove in all the loose ends and sewed on a cool black button. Done. Warmth for Mama, and she can still show off her rings.

Now I need a pair of these for myself, cuz my holey long sleeve shirts are decidedly unclassy.

Unfortunately I neglected to photograph Brittany's gift before wrapping it so hopefully she'll model it in front of a camera soon and I'll share. Cuz it was pretty rad too.

Worst. s-i-l. Ever.

2010-11-15T14:05:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I’m kind of an ass. My brother in law had a birthday in September, 2 days after mine so I’m sure to always remember it, and I totally dropped the ball on getting his present finished on time. Cuz I suck. In my defense, just going through the motions of propelling myself around with the use of my legs and feet was enough of a challenge for me in the first trimester, let alone finishing any knitting projects. I didn’t pick up the needles for like 2 months. It was weird.

But I finally finished the project a few weeks ago, right before a major computer meltdown (of course). And here it is. A totally badass guitar strap for my musically-inclined brother in law, who had been reduced to using a piece of string when he wanted to keep his guitar affixed to his person.

I got the underlying guitar strap from a pawn shop. I was prepared to pay some American dollars for it, but the nice lady gave it to me for free. Probably just to get rid of the hideous thing, which we found at the bottom of a box of mismatched golf gloves and pieces of velcro. If Trevor is ever to remove the lovely knitted cover of his new guitar strap, he will see various airbrushed, pastel-toned shapely women’s legs decorating the canvas. Similar to the lamp in A Christmas Story, only not as tasteful.

The cool thing is that the leather pieces on each side that connect the strap to the guitar are red rather than the usual black, so it’s a bit more interesting when they peek through. I knitted a sock-slash-slipcover using grey and dark blue worsted wool in stripes. It was knitted on the round so there was no seaming required, and the freebie guitar strap was just pulled right through.

And if he ever decides he prefers the 1980s style shapely female appendages to the stripes, he can always take the slipcover off and use it as a scarf. Bonus.

Turd Ferguson gets off the couch...but just for a minute

2010-09-03T12:55:00.000-07:00

Lookit me, I did something productive. My pregnancy cravings so far have been incredibly boring and somewhat embarassing. Soup is the biggest thing, all kinds of soup. Including condensed, fresh and steaming from the microwave. And it’s summer. But when I feel kinda classy, I am ravenous for thai food. There’s a place near my house (proximity is a must at this point) that makes fantastic spring rolls, and I crave them fortnightly.

CK is not a big fan of thai food, which, yes, has put a burden on our marriage at times. I could eat it every day, but he gets saturated after our quarterly visit. Thus, I either do the take-out thing while he eats his own food, or we have to figure something else out. Like this homemade spring roll.

It’s not as good as the restaurant version. Appropriate zesty dipping sauces really make a difference there. I didn’t have enough energy to make peanut sauce after standing and chopping vegetables assembly-line style, and we were out of hoisin. So I had to make due with soy and some leftover wasabiyaki. Also, the restaurant version is rolled much tighter. I don’t know how they do that. I think I was nervous about puncturing the rice paper and rolled them too gently.

Aside from that, they were basically the same as the restaurant’s. Very simple, not fussy with the innards. Lettuce, rice noodles, a strip of baked tofu, and matchstick cuts of carrots (from the garden, ooh) and cucumber. I changed it up by adding a slice of avocado, cuz I live life on the edge. Cilantro would have been good too, and I’ve had it in other versions, but I didn’t have any.

This held me over for a few days, but I’m already feeling the urge to go back for their rolls, and maybe some fried tofu stir fry. I just can’t duplicate their fried tofu.

Hey, maybe I’ll stand in front of the stove to make dinner next week. We’ll see.

Spill the Bean with Bacon Soup

2010-08-27T16:52:00.000-07:00

Alright, I have to admit that we suck epic proportions of blog. Honestly, we had much better intentions when we decided to join forces on this bitch. Brittany keeps contracting computer viruses (she’s such a slut), so she’s been rendered pretty much useless for now.

For my part, I can now officially tell the world (aka, our 3 readers) that I got all preggers n shit and the first trimester was a whore. Hence the completely non-entertaining rant about Kevin Costner. I’m sorry, I just hate that guy.

I’m hoping the second trimester means more energy and more home cooking cuz I’m getting real irritated with myself for wanting nothing more than canned soup and otter pops. Everything I read says I’ll feel better, but then I’m not all that normal. So far the Thundercat is a total bully fetus and is sucking my life force like some kind of high powered sucking…thing.

So stay tuned, please. I promise we’ll come back soon with more food, dirty shenanigans and hullabaloo. And I promise not to complain too much about how bad my boobs hurt and how many times I woke up to pee last night (it was a lot).

please stop it, Kevin Costner.

2010-08-07T14:23:00.001-07:00

From Google Images

So I just finished watching Dances With Wolves for the first time ever. I know, it's a movie everyone has to see, and I kept hearing how wonderful it is bla bla bla. But seriously, that was total crap. As producer, director, and the main actor, Kevin Costner had sprayed his pee all over it too, so he has no excuse. Does his definition of "epic" really just mean "long"? I mean c'mon. I know I'm a bit behind the times on this one, but gawd. I want my 4 hours back please.

And really, has Kevin Costner ever made anything good? Remember Waterworld? Terrible, just terrible.

People should stop paying him to do this stuff. It's just not right.

happy old 2: stoopid purses

2010-07-07T12:45:00.000-07:00

I’m finally emerging from my comfortable little dark hole made of knit hats, and am cautiously stepping into the light of day with other accessories. It took me long enough. Now that we are officially about 16 or so days into summer, I finally realized maybe wool hats are not the best way to spend my time. Enter the purse.

For Brittany’s big 3-0 I made a navy blue boiled wool (felted) purse with fabric lining. Being the first purse I’ve attempted, I limped my way through it as best I could. The length of the bag is knit on the round, making a cylinder. Then I picked up one edge separately and knitted it off in a quick decrease to make a flat base. On the other end of the cylinder, I bound off about two-thirds and knitted the rest straight to make a flap. The strap was knit separately and joined later. With the body finished, I tossed it in some hot freakin’ water to felt. The felting process shrinks the item a bit but also seems to add structural integrity that works well for a purse. I still wanted to see some stitches and didn’t want too much shrinkage, so I pulled it out pretty quickly.

The liner is pretty dern cool. It’s sorta anime with angry pandas and little men dressed up like dinosaurs and ghosts with coconuts and other weird stuff. I do not get it at all, which is why I chose it, so if anyone can make sense of it please let me know. Is it from an actual cartoon, or is it just nonsense?

I sacrificed the plastic base of one of my fabric grocery bags and cut out a circle the same size as the purse. The circle got covered in fabric and sewn into the bottom of the purse, where it also secured the side liner down. The flap liner was separate, and I quilted it in with bright green thread to add a little more flair. I sewed in a magnetic snap and finished it off with a cool lookin resin button on the outside.

I won’t call it professional grade, but I think it turned out pretty cool.

Now onto purse number two:

My second prototype was very different. This one did not get felted cuz I used way too cool of a stitch to let it get all melty. This is a winding leafy vine stitch pattern that I knitted a big swath of, folded in half and seamed up the sides. Separately, I knitted another swath of black wool with a little stretch to it in a tighter gauge to serve as the liner. I wanted it to be tighter for stability, and to make sure things like keys wouldn’t jab through the fabric and tear holes. The two are seamed together to make sure they’re securely attached. The black part is a bit longer than the green, and bound off to make two straps sticking out of each side. The straps got wound around circular wooden handles et voila. Purse. I'm thinking it still needs a little something though, so I might weave in a black ribbin along the top or something.

happy old

2010-07-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

Ah, the novelty of a landmark birthday. Especially when it’s your fantastically terrific sister. Older sister. Brittany turned 30 over the weekend. A drunken celebration was held in her honor with my Dad’s famous BBQ ribs (insert Homer Simpson drooling noise), some fresh crab CK caught the day before, jerk chicken, a plethora of delicious side salads, and birthday cake. Of course. Brittany wasn’t allowed to make her own dessert, so instead she commissioned me to make a yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Snore, except the recipe came from a cookbook I gave her 12 years ago for her 18th birthday, and apparently it’s the most dog-eared and worn book in her collection. Yeah, that’s right. I know a good’un when I see it. The icing is a recipe I use often, stolen from a bakery I used to work at called Macrina. It’s stupidly simple to make, which is a requirement. Fuck a bunch of italian buttercream.

So the food was incredible (I'm still bloated), the alcohol was flowing, and the sparklers were all used up by sunset…we couldn’t wait. It’s a good thing 30 is the new 20, or some shit, cuz Brittany is old now.

1-2-3-4 Cake (Yellow Cake), from “Classic Home Desserts” by Richard Sax
makes 3 8-inch round layers, or 2 9-inch round layers

3 cups sifted cake flour
1 Tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup unsalted butter, softened
2 cups sugar
4 large eggs
1 1/4 cups buttermilk
1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

1. Pre heat oven to 350. Butter and flour cake pans. Resift the flour with the baking powder, soda, and salt. Set aside.

2. In a large bowl, cream the butter and sugar at medium-high speed until very light. Beat in the eggs, one at a time. Lower speed to slow and beat in the flour mixture alternately with the buttermilk, beginning and ending with the flour. Beat in vanilla. Scrape batter into prepared pans, dividing gently.

3. Bake until the cakes are lightly golden and a toothpick inserted into the center emerges clean, 30-35 minutes

4. Cool completely on wire racks. Run the tip of a knife around the sides to loosen them from the pans; invert the cake layers and use as desired.

Mom’s Chocolate Icing, from Macrina Bakery (slightly adapted by me)
Makes ample frosting for a 9-inch layer cake, plus some for piping

12 oz. bitter or unsweetened chocolate, melted and cooled to room temp.
1 # butter, room temp.
3 cups powdered sugar
½ cup cocoa powder
1 Tbs vanilla

Cream room temperature butter, cocoa powder and powdered sugar in mixer. Start slowly, cuz cleaning powdered sugar off the walls sucks pretty bad. Scrape bowl often. When it’s light and fluffy, slowly add the melted chocolate in a steady stream, then the vanilla.

This icing is VERY EASY and holds marvelously at room temperature for a long time without melting. But once you refrigerate it, it hardens. So if you must stick it in the fridge while you’re working with it, give it a warm water bath and whip it back up before sticking that palette knife in there. I just leave it on the counter throughout masking and icing, and leftovers go in the fridge later on.

Stay tuned for pictures of Brittany’s birthday present.

Chris Brown starts crying at the 5 minute mark

2010-06-28T10:51:00.001-07:00

Enjoy.

Also, doesn't Prince look Faaaaaabulous?

The pants, the boots, the turtleneck with an airbrushed picture of himself, the sideways fuck me look. This man is a National Treasure.

photo source: WireImage

Tom Brady Looks Ridiculous

2010-06-18T15:37:00.001-07:00

What the hell, Tom? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOUR HEAD?
That is all.
Photo source: DListed

stickers and ponies and rainbows and my poop

2010-06-15T12:37:00.000-07:00

Okay first of all, I’m totally over the whole Weight Watchers thing. I don’t follow recipes unless I’m baking and I hate dieting. I was trying to lose some weight before my wedding so I bought two of those cookbooks. Some of the stuff was actually good – casseroles, mostly – but overall it was a pretty stupid endeavor. I don’t need a recipe to make soup, and I’m not going to substitute real ingredients with weirdness and chemicals just to get the points down. And besides, points are gay.

I’m not making such a fuss these days. I’m watching what I eat, but I also indulge in the odd distinctive milano cookie when it suits my mood (the orange ones dipped in tea are excellent). My hubs has recently decided he wants to watch his cholesterol, which helps me a bunch because he will finally eat chicken without complaint. So I’m laying off the beef, making vegetarian more often, and also trying to just get over it. Not very successfully. But all this adds up to entirely uninteresting food blogging fodder. So sorry.

The other day I made some effing yumtastic nettle-walnut pesto, which I mixed with caramelized onions and honey chevre from Trader Joe’s, then slathered the concoction onto broiled chicken breast and pappardelle noodles for some good eatin’. Last night I did the same thing, but also added a can of stewed tomatoes and used shrimp instead of chicken. Damn fine, damn fine. By the way, honey chevre....I need to make that into a cheesecake pronto.

Another goodness of spring bounty-type food that has me all excited is a soup that CK absolutely will not touch, so I usually make it on Sunday nights and box it up for lunches throughout the week. It’s beet, onion and asparagus, chunked up and simmered with vegetable broth. It is magically delicious, and cooks up to a lovely, homogenous shade of magenta. As a bonus, it also makes a fun color show out of your peeps and poops (not to mention the usual asparagus pee-stink). After having it three days in a row for lunch, I made unicorn poo. No joke. Purple poo with bright pink pee water. How terrific is that. The soup inserts a mythical creature directly into your bum. There are probably plenty of other nutritional benefits, but unicorn poo is just rad.

Here’s a recipe for unicorn poo soup, by me:

1 onion, chopped (whole pearl onions are also a treat in this)
2-3 fresh beets (depending on size), peeled and cut into ½” cubes
1 quart vegetable broth
Appx. 1# fresh asparagus, cut to ½”

I’ve found that the fewer ingredients the better with this soup, so keep it simple and let the natural flavors do their bidness.

Sweat the onion in a tablespoon of olive oil. Add the beet after about a minute and saute on medium for 5 minutes or so. Add the vegetable broth, bring to a simmer. Allow to cook for 10-15 minutes before adding the asparagus, then season with a smidgeon of salt & pepper. Simmer for about an hour.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Enjoy three days in a row then sit on the toilet.

Cracktastical Salted Peanut Cookies

2010-06-07T11:24:00.000-07:00

Look you guys! It's a recipe. A post of substance.

You have to admire my restraint, as the MTV movie awards were last night and there is SOOOO much to make fun of. Most of it involving my two favorite targets: TommyGay Cruise and The Twi-Hards.

I'm going to be a big girl and refrain from going there because:

a. I did promise a recipe now and then, even though I am pretty much completely over the bullshit that is attached to food blogging.

(I, of course, still love to frequent my beloved sites. You guys know who you are, you geniuses, you. I just don't want to take/upload/edit pictures, type out recipes, give/receive any more comments about how "I'm drooling all over my keyboard", and so on.)

#2. I've had so much on my plate real-world-wise, that all I've had time to post in the last month is a picture of Kristen Stewart being a bitch. Unacceptable. You deserve better.

#c. These cookies are really good. Especially with beer.

I came up with these cookies for a Beermaker's dinner we had at Crow in May. We teamed up with The Pike Brewing Company and served a 4 course meal that was as delicious and thoughtful as any winemaker's dinner we'd ever done. We just had a little more fun with the dishes. Less pretension, more jolly. I'd still rather drink wine with my food, but a beer fan would've had a chubby throughout this entire evening.

My dessert was to be pared with the XXX Stout. Like Guinness, only much more of a kick in the balls. I made a riff on a brown cow, calling it a "malted chocolate and stout fizz". I reduced the stout with sugar to make a syrup, then added some sparking water to make a soda. Poured it over malted milk chocolate ice cream and dolloped with coco nib chantilly. I served it with an assortment of cookies that had the salty/caramely/bitter flavor profiles.
(I was too busy plating to even consider taking pictures.)

This is my favorite of the assortment. I've made them twice since and can't stop eating them with a frosty cold one.

They're really easy to make, so make them.

Hey, maybe that lazy slut Brookie will knit something or whoop up a little morsel from her weight watchers cookbook. Anything to keep the next post from being about Chace Crawford's pot bust. Can you believe that shit? One measly joint? It's an outrage.

Salted Peanut Cookies

1/2 lb unsalted butter, at room temperature
2 Tb creamy peanut butter, Adams is my preferred brand for baking
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup white sugar
1/2 tsp fine sea salt
1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup roasted peanuts, coarsely chopped
2 cups all purpose flour
coarse sea salt for sprinkling

Combine the butter, peanut butter, sugars and salt together in the bowl of a standing mixer. Using the paddle attachment cream until fluffy, about 3 minutes, scraping the bowl as needed. Add the vanilla and mix until combined. Add the flour and peanuts. Mix on low speed just until dough forms.

Dump out onto a work surface and form into a log. Wrap in plastic. Freeze or refrigerate until firm. Slice off 1/4 inch thick cookies and place on a parchment lined sheet pan. Sprinkle each cookie liberally with coarse sea salt. Bake at 350 for 12 minutes, rotating halfway though.

America's Sweetheart wants you to see Eclipse!

2010-06-01T15:33:00.000-07:00

The third Twilight move, Eclipse, kicks off the press junket in Australia:

photo: radar online
Kay, I admit it. This dirty bitch is my number one girl crush.

stoopid knits cables

2010-05-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

Hi, it's me again. I hope you’re all enjoying the smutty crap Brittany shoots out her word-hole as much as I am. I never knew she could be such a judgmental jerk. How fun.

So, knitting. Again. I know, and I’m sorry. But you guys should really take it up so I can talk about it without feeling like a total asshole. Seriously, it does wonders for stress and Christmas presents.

Today’s installment is cables. You know, like those ugly sweaters the yuppies wear with asgots at the country club? Or something like that, anyway.

I was putting off cables as long as I could out of cowardice. They scared me. They looked so complicated, and I didn’t really understand how a third needle could possibly make the act of knitting any simpler. I mean, I have two hands and two needles. Mathematically, that works out pretty well. But introduce a third, weird little curvy one into the mix and what am I supposed to do? So I had a pep talk with myself and decided it was about time I grew some balls. Big-ass knitting balls.

Turns out, it’s not so bad once you get the hang of it...

ANDEAN TREKKER
This cloche hat was my first attempt, hence the subtleness of the cable. I wanted to be able to abort mission and try something else if the cable didn’t work. The hat is knitted straight in a ribbed stitch, seamed up and gathered on top in the round to finish. The cable accent covers up the seam. This is baby alpaca, which I have decided I want to be touching my body at all times. It feels so effing good. It is, after all, the Andean trekker. …if you will.

SEAFOAM
Another slouch. ‘Cept this one has a thicker cabled band that looks like a wave. The buttons on this one are seashell. The color of the yarn is greener than it turned out in pictures; it’s spozda be turquoisey-blue.

BROWNIE
This has a braided cable band, which is just a scosh more difficult than the normal rope cable. There are two different cabling directions to keep track of, working together in the same pattern to make it look like a braid. This slouch is similar to the rest, but the hat part has a woven stitch which makes for a stiffer drape so it's not as hang-ey. The yarn here is a wool-acrylic blend with bits of colored tweed.

BUTTER
After finally figuring out the whole cabling thing, I wanted to make a cloche hat that had a couple different kinds of cables. This one has a braided cable down the center with two tight rope cables on either side. This is knitted straight, seamed up then finished on the round like the blue cloche, but I allowed a bit of overlap and sewed little white buttons all the way up. This one is 100% wool and looks like it would be kinda itchy, but totally isn’t.

So I think I've finally mastered the elusive cable. Next I want to try a basic ribbed band with the hat part in a cable pattern. We'll see how that works out. And no, I'm still not done with hats. But as soon as I am, you'll be the second or third to know.

Katie Holmes sounds like a cat being shoved ass first through a meat grinder

2010-05-10T09:16:00.000-07:00

I was looking everywhere for last week's hilarious video of Katie Holmes' live rendition of "Whatever Lola wants" but it has been removed. Boo! Oh my god you guys. Seriouslies. It was so gross. She was clunking around the stage in an attempt to be sexy, but instead just looked like she was squatting to take a duke in the woods. The closest I could find was this brief clip:

Even better was her co-star in this little disaster, Tom Cruise pretending to have blue balls. Tom, we all know that a woman's hoo hoo disgusts and terrifies you.

In my youtube wanderings I found this. THIS! Just look what Katie did to Joan Jett. I am assuming this is from Dawson's Creek. A show that on the record, I never watched. Off the record, I may have caught a few morning re-runs on TNT while nursing a hangover. Shut up. Josh Jackson is hot okay?

I think K-Stew and Joan Jett should take turns knifing her.

Remember when The Simpsons were funny and not disturbing?

2010-05-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

The Simpsons Ke$ha (Tik Tok) Opening Skit May 2nd 2010

Although I kinda like Bart as Diddy (is that a currently accurate moniker for him? Diddy?) and Martin getting a pedi. But still. This just put me in a bad mood.

In other news, I am sleeping again.

I don't know if you knew this about me, but I stopped sleeping for a while. 16 days to be exact. I went to the doctor hoping for some xanax and left with a prescription for ambien. I know! What a dick!

I am terrified of ambien. There are many horror stories out there- mostly from my own family members. One time, my mom awoke in the middle of the night to find my dad in an ambien-stupor, riffling through the kitchen cupboards and unable to answer her queries as to what the fuck he was doing. Or our very own fellow butterface, Brooke. Took an ambien on a flight to Paris, immediately puked on herself, passed out, then couldn't sleep through an entire Parisian vacay because of this evil drug's "non-habit forming" side effects. Not cool, man.

I have yet to take the ambien- and should I ever have to, I have instructed my husband to hide my car keys and lock up the refrigerator. I am slowly recovering from insomnia with help from overdoses of melatonin, calms forte, mellow moments tea, and allergy medication. I have had and entire SEVEN NIGHTS IN A ROW of sleep. At least 5 hours worth a night, and HOO boy! Do I feel like a million bucks? Hell bells! Do I EVER!
Plus restaurant week just ended, but that is a whole other post for me to go wah all over.

Not much in smutty going on. Brett Michaels is still hanging in there, and Sandra and the gross-sweaty-bald-racist-tattooed-piece-of-shit, plus secret adopted kid is old news. Can I just say that I thought he was disgusting before it was cool to think he's disgusting? Because I totally did.

I shall leave you all with this fashion no-no. Oh Peaches.

The urge to hit you across the head with a rolled up newspaper is strong.
Dlisted

~Britt

competitive knitting - the slouch

2010-04-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: This blog is an amalgamation of crap. Blog "fusion", if you will, to use a word I hate seeing on a dinner menu. Whatever interests the two of us at the moment will be spewed forth into the ethernet for all to enjoy/loathe/ignore. So bear that in mind, cuz I'm about to bore the pants off people who don't give a shit about knitting.

I'm a knitting addict. It’s getting fairly serious. I taught myself to knit a few years ago, easing my way into it with lots and lots of scarves. Just your basic garter stitch (knit, knit, knit, knit, yawn, repeat), using whatever yarn was cheap. I made a lot of uninteresting acrylic scarves and one blanket. Last year my sister-in-law told me how to knit on the round and make hats. This quickly morphed into experimenting with different stitch patterns, varying colors, and even (gasp) fair isle knitting, though not quite successfully….yet.

Many head-hugging beanies later (go to etsy to see), I’m now testing the waters with more fashionable knitting. But still hats. For now. I’m having too much fun with slouch hats, modular hats, cloche hats, sideways hats, and berets. Lots and lots of fun. Unfortunately I can’t get any of them on etsy yet, because people keep claiming them (a-holes). The slouch is great because it doesn’t damage your carefully styled coiff. It sits loosely on the head and it’s so floppy it barely touches your hair. Hat-head free. Here are a few I’ve finished.

This one is modular, meaning it’s knitted in different parts and joined together. The band is knitted straight (like a kitten-sized scarf), in a stockinette stitch pattern. The hat is formed from the edge of the band, picked up and knit with ‘poof’ added in a textured stitch. A lovely vintage-inspired brass leaf button finishes the band, making it look like it might be adjustable (deceptive – it’s not). The varying colored yarn is 100% wool, but extremely soft. I traded this for a fabulous vintage box-purse I was coveting. Thanks Auntie Jonelle!

This is also a modular hat. Brittany saw the previous one and had to have one just like it, but completely different. The muted purple yarn is a wool-acrylic blend because Brittany has a sensitive widdle forehead and needs something entirely un-itchy. Constructed the same way as the previous hat, the band is knitted flat separately in a ribbed stitch (looks cool going sideways) and finished with a wooden button. The hat itself is made in a textured stitch that carries all the way to the crown. I gave this one away for a pot of tea. And cuz I love her. (kickass photo courtesy my Mom)

This one is supposed to look vintage. The band is not knitted flat like the others; it was started like a regular ole hat but not joined together until the white wool came in to play. The hat is knitted in the cell stitch, which is lacy and interesting. I obviously really like having the band look adjustable, with a little overlapping flap finished with a button. This is another vintage-inspired (meaning not at all vintage) button I picked up.

This was my prototype poofy hat. It was knitted in one round piece, with the band in a ribbed stitch and the hat in a wavy eyelet stitch. The yarn is old and I lost the label for it, but I think it’s wool with a strand of metallic yarn integrated in there - the color varies too. Kinda chic. I’m considering keeping this one for myself.

I’ve got big plans to branch out into fingerless gloves and arm warmers, purses, and other fun things, but for some reason I just can’t drag myself away from hats…despite the inconveniently warming weather. It’s my hard drug at the moment, keeping my shockingly idle hands busy while comfortably filling the void between dinnertime and bedtime. Time that would otherwise be spent in an intolerable state of nothingness. Or worse, housework. Screw that, man. Screw that. So instead of forging ahead in new territory, I’m perfecting the hat. I’m using more natural fibers (baby alpaca is my new fave) and working on making something people will actually want to wear, as opposed to just making.

Oh, and the heads. You may be asking yourself where one finds heads such as those beauties. It’s not as difficult as you may think. As a general rule, I don’t particularly like humans, so an inanimate alternative seemed the way to go. The blond is Delorean and the brunette is Volvo. And they’re both raging sluts.

Hi.

2010-04-05T09:14:00.000-07:00

We're LIVE!

Sup bitches. Long time no blog. We've been meaning to do this for a long time, but we are really lazy people. I'm talkin lay-zee. Finally getting our shit together (for now), and here it is. We give you...

Butterface.

A hodgepodge of crafts, food, mocking people to make ourselves feel better, and good quality filth in general.

You may know us both from our now defunct food-related blogs, which we will not link to, because shut up we're over it.

Brittany makes people fat. Making her dough by literally making dough. Sometimes she'll post recipes and such. But she's also a drivel junkie: Robsten! Brange! Heidi Montag's gross boobs!

So unfortunately, she will also litter this blog with total rubbish.

Brooke makes grandma shit in her spare time. During the day she sits on her tookis pushing paper, but come 5pm she's rockin the knitting needles better than your great-aunt Doris. And sometimes she cooks too. Her etsy shop is here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/brookielizabeth. Go buy something, asshole. With respect.

We are delighted if this thing of ours in any way amuses you (and if so, you should probably be ashamed of yourself), but it's basically a setting for the two of us to behave like d-bags. We are terrible, terrible people who will most likely offend you and this blog should not be read by anyone.

We'll try to post often, but don't hold us to it.

Again, lazy.

PS- hey Peter! SUCK IT.

PPS- everyone go read Peter's blog.