please stop it, Kevin Costner.

From Google Images

So I just finished watching Dances With Wolves for the first time ever. I know, it's a movie everyone has to see, and I kept hearing how wonderful it is bla bla bla. But seriously, that was total crap. As producer, director, and the main actor, Kevin Costner had sprayed his pee all over it too, so he has no excuse. Does his definition of "epic" really just mean "long"? I mean c'mon. I know I'm a bit behind the times on this one, but gawd. I want my 4 hours back please.

And really, has Kevin Costner ever made anything good? Remember Waterworld? Terrible, just terrible.

People should stop paying him to do this stuff. It's just not right.

happy old 2: stoopid purses

I’m finally emerging from my comfortable little dark hole made of knit hats, and am cautiously stepping into the light of day with other accessories. It took me long enough. Now that we are officially about 16 or so days into summer, I finally realized maybe wool hats are not the best way to spend my time. Enter the purse.

For Brittany’s big 3-0 I made a navy blue boiled wool (felted) purse with fabric lining. Being the first purse I’ve attempted, I limped my way through it as best I could. The length of the bag is knit on the round, making a cylinder. Then I picked up one edge separately and knitted it off in a quick decrease to make a flat base. On the other end of the cylinder, I bound off about two-thirds and knitted the rest straight to make a flap. The strap was knit separately and joined later. With the body finished, I tossed it in some hot freakin’ water to felt. The felting process shrinks the item a bit but also seems to add structural integrity that works well for a purse. I still wanted to see some stitches and didn’t want too much shrinkage, so I pulled it out pretty quickly.


The liner is pretty dern cool. It’s sorta anime with angry pandas and little men dressed up like dinosaurs and ghosts with coconuts and other weird stuff. I do not get it at all, which is why I chose it, so if anyone can make sense of it please let me know. Is it from an actual cartoon, or is it just nonsense?

I sacrificed the plastic base of one of my fabric grocery bags and cut out a circle the same size as the purse. The circle got covered in fabric and sewn into the bottom of the purse, where it also secured the side liner down. The flap liner was separate, and I quilted it in with bright green thread to add a little more flair. I sewed in a magnetic snap and finished it off with a cool lookin resin button on the outside.

I won’t call it professional grade, but I think it turned out pretty cool.

Now onto purse number two:

My second prototype was very different. This one did not get felted cuz I used way too cool of a stitch to let it get all melty. This is a winding leafy vine stitch pattern that I knitted a big swath of, folded in half and seamed up the sides. Separately, I knitted another swath of black wool with a little stretch to it in a tighter gauge to serve as the liner. I wanted it to be tighter for stability, and to make sure things like keys wouldn’t jab through the fabric and tear holes. The two are seamed together to make sure they’re securely attached. The black part is a bit longer than the green, and bound off to make two straps sticking out of each side. The straps got wound around circular wooden handles et voila. Purse. I'm thinking it still needs a little something though, so I might weave in a black ribbin along the top or something.

happy old

Ah, the novelty of a landmark birthday. Especially when it’s your fantastically terrific sister. Older sister. Brittany turned 30 over the weekend. A drunken celebration was held in her honor with my Dad’s famous BBQ ribs (insert Homer Simpson drooling noise), some fresh crab CK caught the day before, jerk chicken, a plethora of delicious side salads, and birthday cake. Of course. Brittany wasn’t allowed to make her own dessert, so instead she commissioned me to make a yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Snore, except the recipe came from a cookbook I gave her 12 years ago for her 18th birthday, and apparently it’s the most dog-eared and worn book in her collection. Yeah, that’s right. I know a good’un when I see it. The icing is a recipe I use often, stolen from a bakery I used to work at called Macrina. It’s stupidly simple to make, which is a requirement. Fuck a bunch of italian buttercream.

So the food was incredible (I'm still bloated), the alcohol was flowing, and the sparklers were all used up by sunset…we couldn’t wait. It’s a good thing 30 is the new 20, or some shit, cuz Brittany is old now.

1-2-3-4 Cake (Yellow Cake), from “Classic Home Desserts” by Richard Sax
makes 3 8-inch round layers, or 2 9-inch round layers

3 cups sifted cake flour
1 Tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup unsalted butter, softened
2 cups sugar
4 large eggs
1 1/4 cups buttermilk
1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

1. Pre heat oven to 350. Butter and flour cake pans. Resift the flour with the baking powder, soda, and salt. Set aside.

2. In a large bowl, cream the butter and sugar at medium-high speed until very light. Beat in the eggs, one at a time. Lower speed to slow and beat in the flour mixture alternately with the buttermilk, beginning and ending with the flour. Beat in vanilla. Scrape batter into prepared pans, dividing gently.

3. Bake until the cakes are lightly golden and a toothpick inserted into the center emerges clean, 30-35 minutes

4. Cool completely on wire racks. Run the tip of a knife around the sides to loosen them from the pans; invert the cake layers and use as desired.


Mom’s Chocolate Icing, from Macrina Bakery (slightly adapted by me)
Makes ample frosting for a 9-inch layer cake, plus some for piping

12 oz. bitter or unsweetened chocolate, melted and cooled to room temp.
1 # butter, room temp.
3 cups powdered sugar
½ cup cocoa powder
1 Tbs vanilla

Cream room temperature butter, cocoa powder and powdered sugar in mixer. Start slowly, cuz cleaning powdered sugar off the walls sucks pretty bad. Scrape bowl often. When it’s light and fluffy, slowly add the melted chocolate in a steady stream, then the vanilla.

This icing is VERY EASY and holds marvelously at room temperature for a long time without melting. But once you refrigerate it, it hardens. So if you must stick it in the fridge while you’re working with it, give it a warm water bath and whip it back up before sticking that palette knife in there. I just leave it on the counter throughout masking and icing, and leftovers go in the fridge later on.

Stay tuned for pictures of Brittany’s birthday present.

Chris Brown starts crying at the 5 minute mark

Enjoy.



Also, doesn't Prince look Faaaaaabulous?



The pants, the boots, the turtleneck with an airbrushed picture of himself, the sideways fuck me look. This man is a National Treasure.

photo source: WireImage

Tom Brady Looks Ridiculous

What the hell, Tom? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOUR HEAD?
That is all.
Photo source: DListed

stickers and ponies and rainbows and my poop

Okay first of all, I’m totally over the whole Weight Watchers thing. I don’t follow recipes unless I’m baking and I hate dieting. I was trying to lose some weight before my wedding so I bought two of those cookbooks. Some of the stuff was actually good – casseroles, mostly – but overall it was a pretty stupid endeavor. I don’t need a recipe to make soup, and I’m not going to substitute real ingredients with weirdness and chemicals just to get the points down. And besides, points are gay.

I’m not making such a fuss these days. I’m watching what I eat, but I also indulge in the odd distinctive milano cookie when it suits my mood (the orange ones dipped in tea are excellent). My hubs has recently decided he wants to watch his cholesterol, which helps me a bunch because he will finally eat chicken without complaint. So I’m laying off the beef, making vegetarian more often, and also trying to just get over it. Not very successfully. But all this adds up to entirely uninteresting food blogging fodder. So sorry.

The other day I made some effing yumtastic nettle-walnut pesto, which I mixed with caramelized onions and honey chevre from Trader Joe’s, then slathered the concoction onto broiled chicken breast and pappardelle noodles for some good eatin’. Last night I did the same thing, but also added a can of stewed tomatoes and used shrimp instead of chicken. Damn fine, damn fine. By the way, honey chevre....I need to make that into a cheesecake pronto.

Another goodness of spring bounty-type food that has me all excited is a soup that CK absolutely will not touch, so I usually make it on Sunday nights and box it up for lunches throughout the week. It’s beet, onion and asparagus, chunked up and simmered with vegetable broth. It is magically delicious, and cooks up to a lovely, homogenous shade of magenta. As a bonus, it also makes a fun color show out of your peeps and poops (not to mention the usual asparagus pee-stink). After having it three days in a row for lunch, I made unicorn poo. No joke. Purple poo with bright pink pee water. How terrific is that. The soup inserts a mythical creature directly into your bum. There are probably plenty of other nutritional benefits, but unicorn poo is just rad.


Here’s a recipe for unicorn poo soup, by me:

1 onion, chopped (whole pearl onions are also a treat in this)
2-3 fresh beets (depending on size), peeled and cut into ½” cubes
1 quart vegetable broth
Appx. 1# fresh asparagus, cut to ½”

I’ve found that the fewer ingredients the better with this soup, so keep it simple and let the natural flavors do their bidness.

Sweat the onion in a tablespoon of olive oil. Add the beet after about a minute and saute on medium for 5 minutes or so. Add the vegetable broth, bring to a simmer. Allow to cook for 10-15 minutes before adding the asparagus, then season with a smidgeon of salt & pepper. Simmer for about an hour.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Enjoy three days in a row then sit on the toilet.

Cracktastical Salted Peanut Cookies

Look you guys! It's a recipe. A post of substance.

You have to admire my restraint, as the MTV movie awards were last night and there is SOOOO much to make fun of. Most of it involving my two favorite targets: TommyGay Cruise and The Twi-Hards.

I'm going to be a big girl and refrain from going there because:

a. I did promise a recipe now and then, even though I am pretty much completely over the bullshit that is attached to food blogging.

(I, of course, still love to frequent my beloved sites. You guys know who you are, you geniuses, you. I just don't want to take/upload/edit pictures, type out recipes, give/receive any more comments about how "I'm drooling all over my keyboard", and so on.)

#2. I've had so much on my plate real-world-wise, that all I've had time to post in the last month is a picture of Kristen Stewart being a bitch. Unacceptable. You deserve better.

#c. These cookies are really good. Especially with beer.

I came up with these cookies for a Beermaker's dinner we had at Crow in May. We teamed up with The Pike Brewing Company and served a 4 course meal that was as delicious and thoughtful as any winemaker's dinner we'd ever done. We just had a little more fun with the dishes. Less pretension, more jolly. I'd still rather drink wine with my food, but a beer fan would've had a chubby throughout this entire evening.

My dessert was to be pared with the XXX Stout. Like Guinness, only much more of a kick in the balls. I made a riff on a brown cow, calling it a "malted chocolate and stout fizz". I reduced the stout with sugar to make a syrup, then added some sparking water to make a soda. Poured it over malted milk chocolate ice cream and dolloped with coco nib chantilly. I served it with an assortment of cookies that had the salty/caramely/bitter flavor profiles.
(I was too busy plating to even consider taking pictures.)

This is my favorite of the assortment. I've made them twice since and can't stop eating them with a frosty cold one.

They're really easy to make, so make them.

Hey, maybe that lazy slut Brookie will knit something or whoop up a little morsel from her weight watchers cookbook. Anything to keep the next post from being about Chace Crawford's pot bust. Can you believe that shit? One measly joint? It's an outrage.



Salted Peanut Cookies

1/2 lb unsalted butter, at room temperature
2 Tb creamy peanut butter, Adams is my preferred brand for baking
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup white sugar
1/2 tsp fine sea salt
1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup roasted peanuts, coarsely chopped
2 cups all purpose flour
coarse sea salt for sprinkling

Combine the butter, peanut butter, sugars and salt together in the bowl of a standing mixer. Using the paddle attachment cream until fluffy, about 3 minutes, scraping the bowl as needed. Add the vanilla and mix until combined. Add the flour and peanuts. Mix on low speed just until dough forms.

Dump out onto a work surface and form into a log. Wrap in plastic. Freeze or refrigerate until firm. Slice off 1/4 inch thick cookies and place on a parchment lined sheet pan. Sprinkle each cookie liberally with coarse sea salt. Bake at 350 for 12 minutes, rotating halfway though.