stoopid knits cables

Hi, it's me again. I hope you’re all enjoying the smutty crap Brittany shoots out her word-hole as much as I am. I never knew she could be such a judgmental jerk. How fun.

So, knitting. Again. I know, and I’m sorry. But you guys should really take it up so I can talk about it without feeling like a total asshole. Seriously, it does wonders for stress and Christmas presents.

Today’s installment is cables. You know, like those ugly sweaters the yuppies wear with asgots at the country club? Or something like that, anyway.

I was putting off cables as long as I could out of cowardice. They scared me. They looked so complicated, and I didn’t really understand how a third needle could possibly make the act of knitting any simpler. I mean, I have two hands and two needles. Mathematically, that works out pretty well. But introduce a third, weird little curvy one into the mix and what am I supposed to do? So I had a pep talk with myself and decided it was about time I grew some balls. Big-ass knitting balls.

Turns out, it’s not so bad once you get the hang of it...

ANDEAN TREKKER
This cloche hat was my first attempt, hence the subtleness of the cable. I wanted to be able to abort mission and try something else if the cable didn’t work. The hat is knitted straight in a ribbed stitch, seamed up and gathered on top in the round to finish. The cable accent covers up the seam. This is baby alpaca, which I have decided I want to be touching my body at all times. It feels so effing good. It is, after all, the Andean trekker. …if you will.

SEAFOAM
Another slouch. ‘Cept this one has a thicker cabled band that looks like a wave. The buttons on this one are seashell. The color of the yarn is greener than it turned out in pictures; it’s spozda be turquoisey-blue.

BROWNIE
This has a braided cable band, which is just a scosh more difficult than the normal rope cable. There are two different cabling directions to keep track of, working together in the same pattern to make it look like a braid. This slouch is similar to the rest, but the hat part has a woven stitch which makes for a stiffer drape so it's not as hang-ey. The yarn here is a wool-acrylic blend with bits of colored tweed.

BUTTER
After finally figuring out the whole cabling thing, I wanted to make a cloche hat that had a couple different kinds of cables. This one has a braided cable down the center with two tight rope cables on either side. This is knitted straight, seamed up then finished on the round like the blue cloche, but I allowed a bit of overlap and sewed little white buttons all the way up. This one is 100% wool and looks like it would be kinda itchy, but totally isn’t.

So I think I've finally mastered the elusive cable. Next I want to try a basic ribbed band with the hat part in a cable pattern. We'll see how that works out. And no, I'm still not done with hats. But as soon as I am, you'll be the second or third to know.

Katie Holmes sounds like a cat being shoved ass first through a meat grinder

I was looking everywhere for last week's hilarious video of Katie Holmes' live rendition of "Whatever Lola wants" but it has been removed. Boo! Oh my god you guys. Seriouslies. It was so gross. She was clunking around the stage in an attempt to be sexy, but instead just looked like she was squatting to take a duke in the woods. The closest I could find was this brief clip:



Even better was her co-star in this little disaster, Tom Cruise pretending to have blue balls. Tom, we all know that a woman's hoo hoo disgusts and terrifies you.

In my youtube wanderings I found this. THIS! Just look what Katie did to Joan Jett. I am assuming this is from Dawson's Creek. A show that on the record, I never watched. Off the record, I may have caught a few morning re-runs on TNT while nursing a hangover. Shut up. Josh Jackson is hot okay?



I think K-Stew and Joan Jett should take turns knifing her.

Remember when The Simpsons were funny and not disturbing?

The Simpsons Ke$ha (Tik Tok) Opening Skit May 2nd 2010

Although I kinda like Bart as Diddy (is that a currently accurate moniker for him? Diddy?) and Martin getting a pedi. But still. This just put me in a bad mood.

In other news, I am sleeping again.

I don't know if you knew this about me, but I stopped sleeping for a while. 16 days to be exact. I went to the doctor hoping for some xanax and left with a prescription for ambien. I know! What a dick!

I am terrified of ambien. There are many horror stories out there- mostly from my own family members. One time, my mom awoke in the middle of the night to find my dad in an ambien-stupor, riffling through the kitchen cupboards and unable to answer her queries as to what the fuck he was doing. Or our very own fellow butterface, Brooke. Took an ambien on a flight to Paris, immediately puked on herself, passed out, then couldn't sleep through an entire Parisian vacay because of this evil drug's "non-habit forming" side effects. Not cool, man.

I have yet to take the ambien- and should I ever have to, I have instructed my husband to hide my car keys and lock up the refrigerator. I am slowly recovering from insomnia with help from overdoses of melatonin, calms forte, mellow moments tea, and allergy medication. I have had and entire SEVEN NIGHTS IN A ROW of sleep. At least 5 hours worth a night, and HOO boy! Do I feel like a million bucks? Hell bells! Do I EVER!
Plus restaurant week just ended, but that is a whole other post for me to go wah all over.

Not much in smutty going on. Brett Michaels is still hanging in there, and Sandra and the gross-sweaty-bald-racist-tattooed-piece-of-shit, plus secret adopted kid is old news. Can I just say that I thought he was disgusting before it was cool to think he's disgusting? Because I totally did.

I shall leave you all with this fashion no-no. Oh Peaches.


The urge to hit you across the head with a rolled up newspaper is strong.
Dlisted

~Britt

competitive knitting - the slouch

Disclaimer: This blog is an amalgamation of crap. Blog "fusion", if you will, to use a word I hate seeing on a dinner menu. Whatever interests the two of us at the moment will be spewed forth into the ethernet for all to enjoy/loathe/ignore. So bear that in mind, cuz I'm about to bore the pants off people who don't give a shit about knitting.

I'm a knitting addict. It’s getting fairly serious. I taught myself to knit a few years ago, easing my way into it with lots and lots of scarves. Just your basic garter stitch (knit, knit, knit, knit, yawn, repeat), using whatever yarn was cheap. I made a lot of uninteresting acrylic scarves and one blanket. Last year my sister-in-law told me how to knit on the round and make hats. This quickly morphed into experimenting with different stitch patterns, varying colors, and even (gasp) fair isle knitting, though not quite successfully….yet.

Many head-hugging beanies later (go to etsy to see), I’m now testing the waters with more fashionable knitting. But still hats. For now. I’m having too much fun with slouch hats, modular hats, cloche hats, sideways hats, and berets. Lots and lots of fun. Unfortunately I can’t get any of them on etsy yet, because people keep claiming them (a-holes). The slouch is great because it doesn’t damage your carefully styled coiff. It sits loosely on the head and it’s so floppy it barely touches your hair. Hat-head free. Here are a few I’ve finished.

This one is modular, meaning it’s knitted in different parts and joined together. The band is knitted straight (like a kitten-sized scarf), in a stockinette stitch pattern. The hat is formed from the edge of the band, picked up and knit with ‘poof’ added in a textured stitch. A lovely vintage-inspired brass leaf button finishes the band, making it look like it might be adjustable (deceptive – it’s not). The varying colored yarn is 100% wool, but extremely soft. I traded this for a fabulous vintage box-purse I was coveting. Thanks Auntie Jonelle!

This is also a modular hat. Brittany saw the previous one and had to have one just like it, but completely different. The muted purple yarn is a wool-acrylic blend because Brittany has a sensitive widdle forehead and needs something entirely un-itchy. Constructed the same way as the previous hat, the band is knitted flat separately in a ribbed stitch (looks cool going sideways) and finished with a wooden button. The hat itself is made in a textured stitch that carries all the way to the crown. I gave this one away for a pot of tea. And cuz I love her. (kickass photo courtesy my Mom)


This one is supposed to look vintage. The band is not knitted flat like the others; it was started like a regular ole hat but not joined together until the white wool came in to play. The hat is knitted in the cell stitch, which is lacy and interesting. I obviously really like having the band look adjustable, with a little overlapping flap finished with a button. This is another vintage-inspired (meaning not at all vintage) button I picked up.



This was my prototype poofy hat. It was knitted in one round piece, with the band in a ribbed stitch and the hat in a wavy eyelet stitch. The yarn is old and I lost the label for it, but I think it’s wool with a strand of metallic yarn integrated in there - the color varies too. Kinda chic. I’m considering keeping this one for myself.

I’ve got big plans to branch out into fingerless gloves and arm warmers, purses, and other fun things, but for some reason I just can’t drag myself away from hats…despite the inconveniently warming weather. It’s my hard drug at the moment, keeping my shockingly idle hands busy while comfortably filling the void between dinnertime and bedtime. Time that would otherwise be spent in an intolerable state of nothingness. Or worse, housework. Screw that, man. Screw that. So instead of forging ahead in new territory, I’m perfecting the hat. I’m using more natural fibers (baby alpaca is my new fave) and working on making something people will actually want to wear, as opposed to just making.

Oh, and the heads. You may be asking yourself where one finds heads such as those beauties. It’s not as difficult as you may think. As a general rule, I don’t particularly like humans, so an inanimate alternative seemed the way to go. The blond is Delorean and the brunette is Volvo. And they’re both raging sluts.

Hi.

We're LIVE!


Sup bitches. Long time no blog. We've been meaning to do this for a long time, but we are really lazy people. I'm talkin lay-zee. Finally getting our shit together (for now), and here it is. We give you...

Butterface.


A hodgepodge of crafts, food, mocking people to make ourselves feel better, and good quality filth in general.


You may know us both from our now defunct food-related blogs, which we will not link to, because shut up we're over it.


Brittany makes people fat. Making her dough by literally making dough. Sometimes she'll post recipes and such. But she's also a drivel junkie: Robsten! Brange! Heidi Montag's gross boobs!


So unfortunately, she will also litter this blog with total rubbish.


Brooke makes grandma shit in her spare time. During the day she sits on her tookis pushing paper, but come 5pm she's rockin the knitting needles better than your great-aunt Doris. And sometimes she cooks too. Her etsy shop is here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/brookielizabeth. Go buy something, asshole. With respect.

We are delighted if this thing of ours in any way amuses you (and if so, you should probably be ashamed of yourself), but it's basically a setting for the two of us to behave like d-bags. We are terrible, terrible people who will most likely offend you and this blog should not be read by anyone.

We'll try to post often, but don't hold us to it.

Again, lazy.

PS- hey Peter! SUCK IT.

PPS- everyone go read Peter's blog.